Seems like I’m being hit with a lot of hard topics recently. My mind can barely handle all these random thoughts, much less try to find an answer to them.
I have a lot of dreams. Lots of ideas of what I want to do with my life. I want to write an epic horror story, a touching inspirational story, and a heartwarming romance. I want to visit Hawaii, Europe, and Taiwan. I want to try a number of alcoholic beverages. I want to be open about myself, having no secrets and no regrets. I want to be that’s friend that people can’t stop being around. I want to tell the funniest jokes, be the nicest guy, et cetera. I want to watch paranormal movies and read paranormal books. I want to marry and have kids and homeschool them. I want to go into full-time ministry. I want to help broken people find completion in Christ.
Not all of these are necessarily bad, but some of them may raise a few eyebrows. When I think about doing something like drinking alcohol or watching paranormal films, I feel guilty inside. Like I’m convicted that I shouldn’t be wanting to do those things, much less actually doing them. From time to time it feels oh so suppressive, like my faith does more suppressing then giving me joy. While I know I should my my joy and happiness in Christ alone, I can’t help but want to do something with my life. It seems to me sometimes that being a Christian limits choices in your life. There are many forbidden areas and taboo practices. I can’t truly be myself and follow my heart to fulfill my dreams, because as a Christian, most of my worldly dreams should NOT come true. I can’t be myself because some of the things I can do to attract attention and become “likeable”, just don’t look or sound very “Christian.” I learned a lot from my school. Everyone is supposedly Christian, or on their way to getting there, but the most popular guys don’t exactly live exemplary lives or act with godly character. Even in church, sometimes, I find myself wondering if a leader is popular because he is good at “talking back” or making witty remarks or using sarcasm and other actions that don’t flatter the image of Christ. It could be that our sinful nature draws us to want to be popular, to want to fulfill our worldly dreams and follow our hearts and such, then we act in the ways that these people do.
It’s funny how there are so many perverted musical artists out there that people look up to, for example Flo Rida and Enrique Iglesias. Many of the songs they write have lyrics that explicitly imply abominable sexual acts, or include sounds that one would only hear during intercourse. Yet not a lot of people complain, instead enjoying the songs and singing them with abandon. Then they start using the language they hear in the songs, even using some lyrics as catchphrases. Are these the role models we have today? That the ability to use lewd and offensive language has become something “cool”?
I digress. The question that I now pose to myself is whether or not a Christian can “be themselves.”
An easy answer to that question would be to say no, because we are naturally sinful, and to be ourselves would be to give into our sinful nature and live in sin and/or hypocrisy.
But then I ask myself, “can a Christian even BE him- or herself?”
One of my biggest theological struggles questions what draws the line between personality and sinful nature. Is that arrogance or confidence? Love or lust (because sometimes it’s hard to tell)? Quietness or pride?
I actually don’t know where I’m going with this post. I feel like I started with one subject and ended up on a totally different tangent with multiple subjects. Actually, it sounds like what I’d write as a journal entry. Maybe this could be a peek into my mental processes as I scribble in my notebook?
And of course, if you can, help me understand what I’m trying to say. Thanks 🙂