This past week was particularly difficult. I was struggling with God, trying to justify a possible relationship that I hoped would happen. I really wanted to be with this person, but inside I knew I wasn’t ready, that it wouldn’t last. Nevertheless part of me kept hoping and hoping, and out of that hope I began striving to make something happen. thankfully it didn’t, and God gave me the grace to “wake up” (literally; one morning I sat up in bed and wondered what was wrong with me that I wanted a relationship so bad). Nothing happened, and I doubt anymore more will.
In retrospect, I understand perfectly why I acted the way I did. For years I’ve struggled with wanting physical affection, not necessarily sexual; the prolonged touch of another human being to exhibit acceptance and affection. It has also been particularly hard to have my love language, quality time, met. Throughout this week I lived in denial, not wanting to face God because I knew what He had to say about the relationship; my spirit was in turmoil! On the other hand, I desperately wanted Him to agree with me that I should have a chance at this relationship. I was torn and confused. I knew that even in marriage, my love should be centered around Christ. Out of my own I cannot love another person as much as I can love them with the love of God. But if I may have to walk away from my faith or twist what the Bible says about relationships to fit my predicament, not to mention the person I’m interested in is an unbeliever, there is no way I can love them with the love of God now.
I wondered if my striving to be loved was out of spite; that I supposedly didn’t feel God’s love so I have to run around looking for love in some other way; that I interpreted love to be quality time and physical touch, things that God can’t really give me.
I don’t have any good answers. To be honest, I’m still trying to deal with the issue. I’ve called off the relationship (more like refused to talk with this person; we met online so that’s easy), and know that it can never work out, it’s just a fantasy I’ve created, but I’m still trying to find legit ways to meet my love needs.
What does God’s love look like? Sure, I can “see it in the gospel”, but I’m afraid that isn’t quite working. I’m dealing with some issues in that regard as well.
I feel like talking to someone, but part of me says that it’s just me trying to get my love language met, that it’s an extremely selfish endeavor because all i want is to get and never give. Is that so wrong to want to fulfill my love language? Am I selfish if I want to clear this out so I can love others as well? Am I manipulating people to get love? Is it even right to try and get love from people, because I don’t know where to find God’s love? How does a person feel loved by God? Am I relying too much on my own strength and should just surrender myself to God and have faith that He’ll satisfy me?
So many questions, no definite answers. And somehow it’s so hard to start reading the Bible and talking to God again.
Sekel 
First, I think that you are very wise to end the relationship with an unbeliever. Trust me, I have been there, rationalized it and ended up with two failed marriages and a few bad relationships! Regardless of how much we want to be loved, finding it outside of the boundaries set in the bible is NEVER a good thing!
I think maybe you are trying to hard with the whole love language thing. We all want or need attention, someone who thinks that we are valuable and worth being with. It is human nature! God made us to be with someone! He made us to fit together like a rib in the rib cage! BUT that only can happen when it is with someone who believes as you do! The bible tells us to not be unequally yoked and believe me, it tells us that for a very good reason! Relationships are hard work! Regardless of how perfect that person seems, it is tough! When you are both founded on the word of God than you have common ground in which to build upon! You have a steady foundation! You as the man know that you are to love your wife as God loves the church and your wife knows that she is to respect you and take care of your needs. You both are reading from the same instruction manual!
Wait for that special person who loves God like you do! It is so worth it! The pain and the heartache that you are experiencing when you love outside of Gods plan is just not worth it!
Second, I think that you are trying too hard to find or feel love from God! His love just is! His love is all around you! His love is in the flowers of the field and the birds of the air! His love is His word that tells us what He wants and how much He cares! His love is perfect! His love is the peace that you feel when you know that you are living according to His word! His love is the victory that you have when you dont let the enemy tempt you into something that you KNOW is sin! His love is the joy that comes when you choose to worship Him even when you dont feel like it! His love is everything and everywhere! He is love!
Wow. Thank you for this; it’s very encouraging and informative. 🙂