This past week was particularly difficult. I was struggling with God, trying to justify a possible relationship that I hoped would happen. I really wanted to be with this person, but inside I knew I wasn’t ready, that it wouldn’t last. Nevertheless part of me kept hoping and hoping, and out of that hope I began striving to make something happen. thankfully it didn’t, and God gave me the grace to “wake up” (literally; one morning I sat up in bed and wondered what was wrong with me that I wanted a relationship so bad). Nothing happened, and I doubt anymore more will.
In retrospect, I understand perfectly why I acted the way I did. For years I’ve struggled with wanting physical affection, not necessarily sexual; the prolonged touch of another human being to exhibit acceptance and affection. It has also been particularly hard to have my love language, quality time, met. Throughout this week I lived in denial, not wanting to face God because I knew what He had to say about the relationship; my spirit was in turmoil! On the other hand, I desperately wanted Him to agree with me that I should have a chance at this relationship. I was torn and confused. I knew that even in marriage, my love should be centered around Christ. Out of my own I cannot love another person as much as I can love them with the love of God. But if I may have to walk away from my faith or twist what the Bible says about relationships to fit my predicament, not to mention the person I’m interested in is an unbeliever, there is no way I can love them with the love of God now.
I wondered if my striving to be loved was out of spite; that I supposedly didn’t feel God’s love so I have to run around looking for love in some other way; that I interpreted love to be quality time and physical touch, things that God can’t really give me.
I don’t have any good answers. To be honest, I’m still trying to deal with the issue. I’ve called off the relationship (more like refused to talk with this person; we met online so that’s easy), and know that it can never work out, it’s just a fantasy I’ve created, but I’m still trying to find legit ways to meet my love needs.
What does God’s love look like? Sure, I can “see it in the gospel”, but I’m afraid that isn’t quite working. I’m dealing with some issues in that regard as well.
I feel like talking to someone, but part of me says that it’s just me trying to get my love language met, that it’s an extremely selfish endeavor because all i want is to get and never give. Is that so wrong to want to fulfill my love language? Am I selfish if I want to clear this out so I can love others as well? Am I manipulating people to get love? Is it even right to try and get love from people, because I don’t know where to find God’s love? How does a person feel loved by God? Am I relying too much on my own strength and should just surrender myself to God and have faith that He’ll satisfy me?
So many questions, no definite answers. And somehow it’s so hard to start reading the Bible and talking to God again.