I’m the kind of a person where when I want to get something done, I want to be at the helm, where the actual action takes place. I get antsy if I have to sit at the sidelines and watch. I get frustrated if I’m forced into the sidelines.
That’s how I feel right now concerning my role in my church. My youth group began a leadership/coworker training a few months back. I decided not to participate because I believed that when senior year starts, I won’t be able to keep up with the homework and classes. Now, however, I realize that any leadership role I take in my church, or any influence I may have been able to exert, will have to wait for another year and possibly more. If I categorize my youth group’s members, the people who usually tended to the kids and mentored them are now all married, most with kids. They’re busy. There are a few college age people, or people in graduate school, but they only come back every so often because it’s too far to travel back on a more regular basis. Then there are the new college brothers and sisters, who are great role models but have not yet seen fit to step up and mentor the younger ones. I’m stuck in the awkward position of an overaged high school senior, who is unpopular even among the kids. Then there are the kids, who for some reason have shown themselves to be a bit more difficult and more liberal than I’d wished to see.
I acknowledge that it isn’t me who is doing the ministry work, but God through me. However I still can’t help but want to get a move on. I hate not being able to be even an example to the younger brothers and sisters in our congregation. The most I can be will be one normal Christian brother who seeks the Lord. That just doesn’t sound enough, especially since I don’t really produce any outward fruit other than higher standards, refusing to do certain things, and this blog. They don’t seem to notice my standards, laugh at my refusals, and only one person I personally know actually reads what I write here.
I can’t help but ask if something’s wrong with me. Is it a personality flaw? Am I still too young? Am I not letting go and letting God? Am I trying too hard? Do I have so many struggles in my life that I can’t do much? Am I wanting to do ministry within my own church for the right reasons?
I’ll wait if I have to, but it feels like forever. I want to do something for God, something bigger and more radical. I even want to start a group in my already (supposedly) Christian school where we play worship songs some days before school, or start Bible memory challenges. I want to see people grow. I don’t want to be the silly person who says that. I want to be the person who helps facilitate the growth.
Here is a passage I find particularly relevant:
There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven- A time to give birth and a time to die;
A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted. A time to kill and a time to heal;
A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to weep and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn and a time to dance. A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing. A time to search and a time to give up as lost;
A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear apart and a time to sew together;
A time to be silent and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate;
A time for war and a time for peace. What profit is there to the worker from that in which he toils? I have seen the task which God has given the sons of men with which to occupy themselves. (Ecclesiastes 3:1-10 NASB)
It’s helpful to learn to wait on God’s timing. When the time comes, He will make His move, and nothing can stop Him then. I just need to be on the ready to move when He does; to be used when He needs me.