Alone

In the past few weeks, I’ve been dealing with a number of issues in my life. They concern, however, topics that I rarely discuss with people. These issues bombard my mind, and I find myself almost driven to tears over them.

A result of this struggle is constant loneliness. Sure, I feel good when I’m talking to friends and hanging out with people. I don’t feel lonely during those times. However, when I find myself in situations where I slip easily into the matrix of my thoughts, I become desperately lost. I can’t fathom how I will deal with these issues alone. I need to talk to someone, but I don’t know who. I feel like no one can understand how I feel, cliche as it may sound. I keep pushing the issues away. I’ll deal with them later. They haunt me. In a clash of my Christian faith and what the world says is ok, I’m afraid that I might just give up and give in completely to the world’s values (or lack thereof).

Honestly, I have no idea what’s keeping me going. Maybe it’s hope. Maybe it’s faith (though I personally don’t think I have that strong a faith). Maybe it’s the Lord’s mercy. Maybe it’s love. Maybe it’s fear.

I am given the constant reminder, however, of the fact that I can talk to God about my problems. I can choose to rest in His promises and power. I find it so difficult. It is almost like He is the last person I want to talk to about these issues. So I push Him away. I’ll go back when I solve all these problems.

To a certain degree, I hate myself for being such a good actor. I am not doing well at all inside. I’ve become insecure, scared, and inconsistent. On the outside though, I still look like the quiet “innocent kid” who is prone to excitement, laughter, and practical jokes. It shocks me sometimes how easy it is to fool the world of a person’s true emotional and mental state. The only good that resulted from this shocking revelation is the fact that maybe in the future, or even now, I should start asking people how they’re really doing. Give them a should to cry on, advice when they don’t know what to do, guide them when they become lost, minister to them when they feel broken, reconcile them with their anger, and calm them when they feel upset.

I just wish someone would do that for me.

I know I should talk to God, but I just can’t. I don’t know why this is happening; if this is a trial I’m supposed to go through. All I know is that these issues are driving me to tears, and I need to talk. If I don’t let everything out, I fear I may explode. Some verses and hymns give me limited condolence, as does being with fellow believers. But they aren’t enough.

These trials from God are very much real. I’m just wondering if everything will work out in the end…

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11 thoughts on “Alone

  1. Oh, how I know that feeling all too well! It’s times like these where – even if I don’t want to – I pour my heart out to God and tell Him “I can’t TAKE it anymore!”. Even though I don’t know you personally, I will pray that God will bring you through this and that you will be stronger becuase of it! Proverbs 3:5-6

  2. 11 Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
    Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.
    – Psalm 42

    Even Christians get depressed. When everything hurts inside, it’s a living hell to try and act like everything is alright, especially at church, when it isn’t.

    Jesus loved you then, He loves you now, and He will always love you for all eternity.

  3. Kyle,

    I call that place the wilderness. We all experience the wilderness as believers. There are many stories in the Bible about the prophets, kings and apostles who were in the wilderness. Abraham, Moses, Elijah, Elisha, Isaiah, Jeremiah, Jonah, David, John the baptizer, Jesus, Paul and John the Apostle to name a few, all had wilderness experiences. Knowing their stories is one thing, experiencing the wilderness yourself is an entirely different ball game.

    I know everyone’s experience is different so I can only say what I do when I’m going through that: I take comfort in the thought that I’m “going through” it. I will go into it, will be in there for a time, and will pass through it. When in it I make time to not only read my Bible and pray but more so to be still and listen to God’s still small voice.

    God speaks to us, in our spirit, in the midst of our storms and He also has angels waiting all around us when we are in the wilderness. Sara and Joshua gave some great advice above. Pour your heart out to God and remember that GOD LOVES YOU.

    God will never leave you nor forsake you! He knew you before the foundation of the world, chose you firstborn of 7, and called you to Himself and to ministry. The devil is angry but you belong to Jesus. Be comforted in Jesus’ name. I have prayed for you! Blessings!

    Sheldon

    • “The Wilderness.” Thank you for bringing that term to my attention. I’ve heard it before, but forgot about it till now. It reminds me of Jesus’ time of fasting and temptation, and how He depended on God for sustenance. The thought gave (and still gives) me hope. Thank you 🙂

  4. Hey my friend, read the book Spritual Depression by David Martyn Lloyd-Jones. I have not actually had a chance to read it myself I am afraid, but I am very much confident that it will be of great help, from all the reviews and people I know that reccomend it. Never give up the faith, fight the good fight. It’s not supposed to be easy, but with God’s grace and strength, which surpass our knowledge, we all can make it through.

  5. Thank you so much to all of you for your comments. I have no idea what I was thinking, posting something like this so randomly. I appreciate your prayers, words of wisdom and encouragement, and Bible verses. I can stand and walk again in my faith… because my fellow believers will point me back to God when I need it the most.

    Thanks again, all of you 🙂

  6. Hey Kyle. What a cool Blog and great posting. Thanks for being real. Feel free to check out my blog anytime. I’m still getting my feet wet with blogging but enjoy the experience and community. Thanks again for this gift. Blessing my young and insightful brother.

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